The Menopause Monologue: Hilarious Hot Flash Stories

June 26, 2014
The Menopause Monologue: Hilarious Hot Flash Stories

We all know that the onset of menopause comes with plenty of not-so-great symptoms, but one great thing that happens is that you can start laughing with other women who have had similar – read: hilarious—hot flash experiences. One of our readers, Mary Mondragon, shared a few of her favorites with us. Whether you’re menopausal or not, you’ll probably still enjoy these hilarious hot flash stories.

Menopausal Paradise

I was on a business trip with my male counterpart. We were in Chicago in January, a menopausal woman's idea of paradise. We were traveling to a town north of Chicago (even better) in our rental car when I started to warm up. I removed my gloves. Then scarf. Then hat and finally my maxi length down-filled coat - none of that polyester fiber fill stuff for this mid-western gal. That helped for a nanosecond. Steve, who was driving, looked over and saw me fanning myself and being a gentleman, turned down the heater. I exclaimed, "What did you do? That just made it worse!" So, in a panic, he turned off the heat and turned on the air conditioner - yes, in Chicago in January. I told him the thing must be defective because I was certain that it was blasting air straight from the bowels of the earth. He hollered, "Roll down the window" to which I told him that he would be converted to a popsicle in a matter of seconds. He took matters into his own hands and used the window control on his side. I cannot tell you what a welcome relief -9 degrees at 70 MPH can be. About the same time I cooled down and rolled up the window, Steve was pulling off the highway. I said, "Oh no - did turning on the air conditioner mess-up the engine?" He didn't utter a word. He just looked directly at me through his glasses that were completely iced over!

Where’s the cooler?

I worked in an office that had previously been an old railroad loading dock. There was an office where the supplies were kept that was known as "The Cooler." As great as that sounds to anyone suffering hot flashes, it was far from cool. It used to be an actual cooler where beef could be hung in the case that a railroad car was damaged. It also housed all of the ice. But, once re-furbished, it had no windows or ventilation and was one of the hottest rooms in the office building. There were 2 men and one woman, who we will call Petunia to protect the innocent, who worked in the supply room, or cooler, for years in harmony until menopause hit. The climate became unbearable about 3 times a day for Petunia. When she would be overcome, one of her male co-workers was very compassionate and the other was… not so nice. Mr. Nice Guy shared that when this happened to his wife, she would put her feet in ice. Petunia, willing to do anything besides killing Mr. Not So Nice Guy, decided to give it a try. Two to three times a day for about 6 months, she would quietly remove her shoes and socks and place her feet in a cooler full of ice she kept near her desk. She thanked Mr. Nice Guy for restoring harmony to the group. A few months later, when the flashes finally stopped, Mr. Not So Nice Guy asked her where the cooler was. She stated that she no longer needed it. Mr. Not So Nice Guy said that he did. Petunia said, "Why? Are you getting hot flashes?" Mr. Not So Nice Guy vehemently stated, "No. That's where I've been getting the ice for my tea."

Perishing Ponytails

Jan worked in an office with both men and women. They all worked very closely together, not because they got along so well but because the cubicles were so small. Jan was working in one said cubicle with Randy, a guy who loved the 60's - not just the era but the 60 hairs still residing on his head that he wrangled into a ponytail every morning. Jan and Randy used to compare their ponytails until menopause hit and Jan cut her hair to help with the ungodly amount of heat and perspiration that would erupt from her scalp several times a day. Randy, being the hip and happening cat that he was, was very intuitive with Jan. He prided himself in just "knowing" when a flash hit. Just something he was blessed with, this intuition. He never did say that her facing turning crimson and her entire head looking like she had just dipped her head in a bucket of water was the sign. Nope, just something he knew. He was so in tune that he brought Jan a personal handheld fan to work for her to use. Jan almost cried she was so touched (and so menopausal). Randy told her to use that fan whenever she needed to. Randy, Jan and The Fan got along very well for a while. But one day, a particularly bad flash hit Jan. She blew the fan on the right side, the left side, down her shirt, on the top of her head. Nothing was working so she decided to blow the fan on the back of her head. I don't know if any of you have ever heard the sound a cat makes when it's tail gets caught in a lawn mower, but that is that sound we heard coming out of Jan and Randy's cubicle, muddled with hysterical laughter from their other two cube mates. It seems that The Fan accidentally got Randy's ponytail caught in it! To this day, we are not sure if the shriek came from Randy or Jan. RIP Randy's ponytail.

Have one of your own? Feel free to share your hilarious hot flash stories with us in the comments – or via email if you prefer to stay anonymous – and your story could be featured with us.